Father please save them

Lately I’ve been feeling empty. I don’t think depressed is the right word. I’m not sad. Although I guess I struggle with trying to not feel sad. I am working away on a drawing and a thought ran through my mind about how I am afraid of losing a child. I don’t think that I could handle that. I’ve handled a lot in my life (so I tell myself) but I don’t think I could survive this. When I think of Beth losing Emily my heart plunges into a deep sea of fear. It always has been this way since we lost her.

The next thought that ran through my mind was that I wanted to die so that I would not have to ever know that horror. I’ve thought that I wanted Jesus to come back before that happened but I’ve not thought about preferring death over experiencing another loss. Even typing this my entire being collapses over this fear. I don’t like feeling this way. I feel that this fear is sin. Almost as if I don’t trust God, my Father. I know He loves them more than I ever could. I’m afraid of even printing this to my blog or copying it into an email. I don’t want this out in the atmosphere but of course it is already out there because it is in my thoughts constantly. 

Which, changing the subject to something much nicer, I have started praying as Jesus taught us. “Our Father” although I just realized I just say “Father” before I start praying/talking with Him. Sometimes I have to stop and calm myself before I start the prayer. After all I am coming before God. That is sobering. 

When I prayed to Jesus, I just talked to Him like I would talk to someone standing in front of me. I’m pretty sure that was wrong too. 

Another thing I’ve struggled with is how to tell my kids the joy of knowing Christ. While I was typing the above paragraphs it dawned on me that I need to verbalize this within myself, and then, I will be able to tell them. 

Today I mentioned to Lindsay how my guilt is so strong about how they were raised that if it wasn’t for Christ giving me a new heart that I wouldn’t be able to put one foot in front of the other or forgive Terry for what he did to us. Him leaving his family caused me to have to work two or more jobs at a time and caused me to be so lonely that I went out looking for another mate instead of focusing on them like I should have. 

With Jesus, instead of seething in anger and hate and every other negative emotion, I can think to myself that Terry is just fallen, just like I am. I don’t want to say that I’ve forgiven him but that is what I lean towards. Not because I want to – but because that is how Jesus has healed my heart (or changed it completely). 

If my kids would turn to and love Christ then I wouldn’t worry. I would know that they are saved and we will be able to be together eternally. I wonder how we’ll be able to handle knowing that one or more of our children are not in heaven. Will we know? Will we remember? Or, will we just understand? 

All I know is that they are continually in my prayers. Father please send them the desire to love you and worship you and learn about you. Please save my children Father. My children and the rest of my family and friends. Save them and keep them safe from sin and from harm. Open their hearts and minds and souls so that they will want to know you and love you and worship you in spirit and in truth.