I had to either grow up and be who I say I am, or I had to disavow all that I want to be, and stay who I really was. I don't want to be who I really am!

I feel like I've been through the wringer - literally.

Last Thursday I wrote about the trial I was under concerning a co-worker. You see, it's all light when I'm driving down the road listening to the preacher on the radio. It's all easy. Sure, I can do that. I can go to work with a smile on my face and take whatever they throw at me. I can do everything for the glory of God. Wait, you want me to help her? I don't like her. She hurt me and I am still not over it. I refuse to help her. I had that dark cloud over my head like they do in the cartoons and it was in my heart too - black black black. I lost sleep over it and it kept popping up - my anger and hatred towards this woman. Where did my Christianity go? My love of God? My entire being got overshadowed by my hate for basically a stranger. I even had counseling from friends at work. I tried not to tell anyone because I didn't want to be spreading gossip and possibly slander about another person but argh I hate her! This was eating me alive. I had moments of clarity but then it would creep back in. That's a lie - it would jump on me with both feet.

Then she came down and spoke to me. She looked frazzled. She was hanging on by a thread and it was evident. While I'm overworked, and have put in lots of overtime, she looked like she's done double time. She was close to breaking and I could see it. My heart started to melt. Oh I fought it. I didn't want to feel anything for her but it crept in anyways and you know what? I liked it so much better than that blackness.

About a half an hour after she left my desk I sent her an email and I told her that I would help her in anyway that I could. (I even meant it.) I felt so much lighter. I felt happy. I'm serious. After all this time and all this darkness and turmoil I was okay. Not because she was suffering but because I felt something other than yuckiness. I knew how she felt, and I knew she needed help, and I'm glad I can help her.

And then, do you know what happened? Later in the afternoon she came by my desk and thanked me and told me she had it under control. She understood more about what needed to be done and she was okay. She had it under control and she thanked me.

All of that for nothing - NOOOO. I learned something huge from all of this.

I'm still so far away from being where I want to be. I am so full of sin and yuck. I have so much to learn.

God was in this mess by the way. You see she works with two engineers from the bible study group. They know what we talk about - forgiveness and love. They know how a christian is supposed to be - how we are supposed to strive to be apart of the body of Christ. I couldn't get away with throwing my normal smart remarks around because they would know that a Christian shouldn't act that way. I was trapped. I had to either grow up and be who I say I am, or I had to disavow all that I want to be, and stay who I really was. I don't want to be who I really am.

I want God. I want to stand in front of the throne with Jesus beside me saying that He knows me and that I am His. I want the Holy Spirit to dwell within me and let me know when I'm straying and to let me know when I am doing something right. You wouldn't believe the feeling.

After Angie walked away and I realized what had just happened, you see all this time I thought I was a failure. I was a failure, but I didn't give up, and neither did God. The Holy Spirit stayed with me through this trial. He was definitely letting me know that I was messing up, but when it was over, He definitely let me know that the trial had passed.

Trust God. Let go and trust Him!

Last night I found that saying from the old southern preacher and today Charlotte sent me basically the same saying:  "Dear Lord, we ain't what we ought to be, and we ain't what we want to be, but thanks to Thee, we ain't what we were." 


There is hope!