we can’t all be martyrs

I’ve been really struggling with sin lately – more so than usual. And not anyone else’s sin, although that is how this thought started. Yesterday I saw this picture of a person holding in their hand a tiny shriveled shrunken wrinkled hand of a starving child. I was crying out to God – why. He doesn’t have to answer me I already know why. SIN – the evilness of man. That is why.

My mind wondered to how we could stop it. I mean, there is enough food in this world to feed us all. Why are some people not getting it – how do we get it to them. Then I thought of the men who stop it (the aid) in that country.

Then my mind goes to how I can’t even stop by self from having hateful thoughts. I can’t stop my mouth from saying some of those thoughts. Who am I to think I can come up with a solution when no one else can. I can’t even live my own life and manage my own evil.

So then I turned back to God and I asked for forgiveness and I asked that the Holy Spirit stop me before I say those things, before I think those things!

I always ask that God’s light shine through me and I was talking to Him about wanting to help others love the Lord. I thought about all of us standing in judgment and I wanted to look over and see some of the people I’ve had contact with standing with me – all of us saved of course. Then my mind drifted to the people who have been killed simply because of their faith.

Then the thought crossed my mind about why do I always ask for His light to shine through me when I don’t really trust Him with my life. Oh, I trust Him with my life it is my death that I don’t trust Him with. I kind of chuckled then because I know full well that I have zero control over how I will die. Pain scares me. Humiliation scares me. The pain of others scares me even more. I’ve watched too much tv and I grew up knowing about Anne Frank and how she and her family died. I’ve heard of the evilness of man and I don’t want to die tortured, starving, scared. While I admire martyrs I don’t want to die like that.

So, in my mind I can see us all standing there saved and I can see the special ones – the ones who have lived and died for Christ. I know that this life is just a blink in span of eternity. So why am I afraid? Why did I shrink when just the thought of dying a martyr’s death crossed my mind?

So, I haven’t given my life to the Lord and I don’t trust Him with my death but I believe.

I KNOW HE IS all that HE IS.

So why am I so scared? Is it because I know the evilness of men? I know my own evilness. I know I have hurt. I know I have stolen. I know I have envied. I know I have murdered (by Christ's definition I have most definitely killed and more than once). I don't even want to go on. I can't confess my sins. They are too many and I'm tired of being self absorbed (doesn't that come in handy when I'm not wanting to talk about my own evil.)

Lord, I know I am saved. I know I am a child of God because I believe.

However, I know that while I walk this earth that I am a sinner - full of sin that I struggle with daily. I struggled with showing my love publicly for you my entire life because I didn't want someone else to stumble because of me. I didn't want them to say I was a hypocrite - but I am a hypocrite - we all are! 

Here I am going on and on about me me me when up above in the top left corner is a tiny wrinkled hand. 

I was going to let that be my last sentence until I remembered why I started writing this. Why I got out of my bed this morning. We can’t all be martyrs.  I don't know what I am here for, other than to witness to others about our wondrous God, but I started writing this after I uttered that thought "We can't all be martyrs" I was propelled out of my comfy bed because I had to get this all written down. Otherwise it just goes round and round inside my head, my heart.

We can't all be martyrs . . . I have no control over how I will die but while I live, I can do the best I can to let His light shine through me.

We all have our talents. I'm 52 and I have no clue about what my talent is - what my reason for living this long is. I don't even have wisdom and aren't all old people supposed to have that!?!

All I have is the love of God and my love for God.

While I am terrified of people; I have the love of a few close ones.

I am not Joseph, just think if we had his talents then we might be able to help the starving people of the world.

I can do like my friend does when she prays that God will send us His leader for our country. God please send us your leader to lead the world out of this hunger. From what I've been reading, and from what my heart is saying, I believe his name to be Jesus.

How long do we have to wait?