how

Harriet and Scout woke me up as they were fighting on my bed. I was aggravated with them because they wake me up every single hour and I'm not getting enough sleep. I finally end up putting Harriet in the basement and then we all settle down to sleep. Luckily Wyatt slept through it all.  Then Richard arrives home and frees Harriet. She just now burst through my bedroom door. Dogs!

While she was in Richards bedroom and there was still peace and quiet and I was all snuggled down into bed I realized that I haven't been praying. Oh, I still say the little prayers of thanks but I haven't just talked with God. So, I tried talking with Him.

I started off praying for forgiveness because I know that is what is keeping me from Him. That and being unsure of how I can talk with Him. It's funny, how sometimes the more we learn, it actually drives a wedge in what used to be an easy relationship. I'm talking about how my realization of how I talk with God might be inappropriate because I wasn't giving Him the respect He is due. Instead, I was treating Him like my best friend instead of  God.

Since I couldn't pray I decided to read. As I went to pick up my Bible it fell to the ground and the book below it caught my attention. Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts. I opened Ann's book to the place I had left off at and this was what I first read: "Love is not blind; love is the holy vision. For a glancing moment, I am Hagar healed, Hagar who had spoken once before in a desert exile:"

I need to give a little background for what has been going on with my life lately. I had my review at work today. Where I work we all go through the review process once a year. It was all good. My boss even said that I get along well with others and that I communicate well and I'm helpful. There was nothing bad said about my performance. But the truth is I don't communicate well. Even my boss said that sometimes I give him a look like I'm mad or disappointed in him. The truth is I am not disappointed in him at all. I admire his ability to get along with everyone and how he manages people. He amazes me.

I would like to be more like him because the people that I manage seem to be hurt by me. This isn't a new phenomena. I think that my main problem is that everything shows on my face. Every single emotion. I can't hide anything. The biggest problem with that is people misconstrue what is going on within me. They think that I'm frustrated with them, when I'm frustrated with myself, because I'm unable to communicate what needs to be said. I've lost friends because of this problem.

Working with people I care about IS a problem because they get mad at me for what is showing on my face. At least this is what I tell myself. I've told them that if I have a look of frustration or anger it isn't directed at them - and it isn't!!!! Do you know how maddening it is to have all of these thoughts about how to explain something whirling around in your head and yet you have no way of getting it out! My mouth loses the words! And then I'm sure the frustration starts to show and they think that I am frustrated with them and I'm frustrated with the hiding words, the hiding thoughts!!!

That and I am so obtuse and insensitive. Someone called me pragmatic one time and it hurt my feelings. What an ugly word. Pragmatic. Of course it isn't an ugly word or even an ugly thing really. Pragmatic basically means practical - dealing with facts instead of theory, down-to-earth. Pragmatic and obtuse pretty much characterize me. Not great for a friend but pretty darn handy when you need something done without a lot of malarkey.

Sensitive people wear me out.

Can you imagine having someone like me for a mother?

Anyway I'm getting way off track here.

What I was talking about is how I don't 'get' people. They confound me and I prefer dealing with my computer. It's a weakness, and a bad one to have for a Christian (or a friend or a mother . . . ) So tonight I am awake because of the girls, and unable to pray because of my weakness, and my heart hurts because I want to be better, and then I read this in Ann Voskamp's book:

"I remember a moon and the face of Him who is happiest of all who wants us to be happiest in Him and oh, son, I know, I know, this peopled life. Jacob wrestled with God and called the place Peniel, meaning "God's face." This daily joy struggle, above all, it is a Jacob-wrestle to see God in the faces we face."

And then a little later she writes: "Whenever we felt stress in relationships, we audibly gave thanks."

And then, "I can feel the gratitude starting to soak into my soul. I'm becoming someone else, a new person, one that I like better than the old."

And then my heart breaks because I know God knows me and I feel as if He is telling me to not give up. He sent the Comforter and He sent wisdom - a light that shines on the path of my life tonight with Ann's book. He is saying 'don't give up, you are loved and you will keep growing into the person I created.' And my stupid back talk just added . . .  it disappeared. Seriously, that stupid mean voice said something and now for the life of me I can't remember what it said.  :)

I just have to talk to my friends that I work with and keep assuring them that if I have a terrible look on my face that it is directed inward and not outward and that I do love them and need them and want to be with them. I have to trust that God will help me so that the emotions showing on my face are loving and kind instead of confused and frustrated. I need to focus on the love of God, and have that showing, instead of frustration. I need to be kinder to myself so that I will appear to be kinder to everyone else. Honestly I am kinder in my thoughts towards others. It is myself that I mow down and it shows as something bad towards others.

This part of One Thousand Gifts that I am reading tonight is Ann dealing with an angry son. My heart cries when I read their struggle because it is the same as my struggle with my son and my daughter. They were hurt so bad, and I was hurting so bad, that I couldn't help them and I didn't help them. Oh, I kept them fed and kept them housed and I hugged them when they would let me but I didn't raise them as they should have been raised. They weren't raised knowing God's love like I was. They don't know Him. They don't have the Comforter and they can't ask for wisdom because they don't know that it is missing.

Please God don't allow the weakness and the sins of mine to hurt these two beautiful people any longer. Please heal them and open their eyes and their hearts to you. Save them and show them how to show Your love and their love to their children and their spouses. Heal them Lord please.