failing

Talk about failing big time.

 Don't have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but must be kind to everyone, able to teach, not resentful. Opponents must be gently instructed, in the hope that God will grant them repentance leading them to a knowledge of the truth, and that they will come to their senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken them captive to do his will. 2 Timothy 2

Don't know why it happened, I just know that I spent the entire day Wednesday in arguments with Mary via email. Thursday morning, the first thing I read is this verse from 2 Timothy 2 and my heart falls.

I do get tired of failing continually.

YES I'M A CHRISTIAN. YES I CAN BE THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE EVER. I BACKSLIDE. I STUMBLE. I FALL. I STRAY ONTO THE WRONG PATH. BUT GOD IS WORKING IN ME. I MAY BE A MESS, BUT I'M HIS MESS. AND HE IS SLOWLY STRAIGHTENING ME OUT. AND THE DAY WILL COME WHEN I WILL BE BY HIS SIDE, HIS WORK IN ME COMPLETED. AND UNTIL THAT DAY I WILL TAKE HIS HAND, AND LET HIM DO IN ME WHATEVER NEEDS TO BE DONE, NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL IT WILL BE FOR ME. WHEN HE IS FINISHED, IT WILL ALL BE WORTH IT. ~ UNKNOWN

I saw this on the internet and it fits me perfectly (as I know it fits all of us who long to be His child) this quote fits my state right now, and it fits my hopes, and dreams and all I long to be.

When people say things like, "You seem to be a Christian." Of course, it is always family or friends who say something like that. They cut deep, and I think the reason it does cut so deep is, because I already have that fear. You know, 'YOU think YOU can be a Christian'? So between my self-talk, and the talk of family and friends and the world . . . man oh man it gets tough.

So I have to keep going back to 'The Good News', the gospel - THE GOSPEL.

Jesus didn't leave us as orphans. He sent His Holy Spirit to dwell within us and to guide us. I know that His Spirit probably feels like banging his head on the desk with all my weakness but by gosh I know He is here. I have that promise. Jesus Himself told me in His book - His Holy Words, our Bible.

So yes Virginia I screw up. I feel it too. It hurts. You may not see the pain but it hurts. I get so tired stumbling all the time. Sometimes I just want to give up and lay down and cover up and . . . but then I think of Him I realize that His strength is sufficient.

I don't know what I'll be when I grow up but I plan on holding His hand and staying in His word until He shows me who I'll be - who I am.

Please don't mistake what I'm saying. I am not condoning my sin. I am saying the complete opposite. I want to stop sinning. Especially the same old ones. I mean, how sad is that to keep doing the same thing when you don't want to be doing that. I just remembered Paul complained about that too. :) I just hate being so weak.

My mind wanders to a time when I won't be so weak. When my hand will be in His.

So how do I get through this? Think about that one friend who you know is walking with Christ here on earth, and if you walk with that friend, how much easier it will be to be less weak. I know when I was in chemistry class in college I sat next to the smartest guy in class. Instead of a D I got a B in the class because we studied together.

Plus, I think back to my friends who love God. My heart smiles when I am with them, when I even see them, because my mind goes to Christ.

So, yes, I am a follower of Christ. He is the One that I long for and all I want to learn all about and I want to become like Him.