not all light

Here's where people find out how bad I am.

There's this person at work that I really detest. I don't like any part of them. I really don't like them. I don't like their work ethic. I don't like the way they look or the way they smell, or the air that they breath. I don't like them!

Not a christian attitude.

I don't like this feeling at all. I don't like how this feeling takes over me completely. This feeling stops me from working and it stops me from feeling anything other than yuck.

I don't like this feeling. (Did I mention that already?)

I don't even want to ask for forgiveness because I can't get past this feeling. How can I ask for forgiveness when I know I can't stop myself.

Why am I letting this take over me completely? Why?

Luckily (luck had nothing to do with it - God had everything to do with it) a christian friend called at the exact right time. But I got angry with him. He didn't know it (maybe he did but he didn't show it). He just kept right on talking. All I wanted was for him to pray for me, and not right then, I wanted to go on with my hate and let him go on later on that night to pray for me. But noooooo he had to go on and tell me a story that was wonderful.

He started off with 'the heart thinks in pictures'. I was in no mood for something as silly as that to be said but he wouldn't let me stop him from telling his story. So . . .

He told the story of this man who worked really hard and did some really great things and made a lot of money, for a church no less, and they fired him. They let him go. He was hurt. He left the meeting feeling like his heart had been ripped out and he was bleeding. I know that feeling! We all know this feeling.

Months later the hurt was still there and could be brought to the forefront pretty easily. The man finally got tired of the feeling and started talking with God. He wasn't very happy with God. Why did God allow such a thing to happen to him?

To make a long story short the man realized that God had been there with him during that meeting where the church board fired him. He even got the feeling that God had caused them to dismiss him and that God was there laughing as they fired him. (Now that got my attention. I have never thought of God as mean for no reason.) God was telling him that he was ignoring what God had been telling him for the last two years. That the man was supposed to leave that church and head out into another field. The man wouldn't move so God made the move for the man.

The man was crushed. He had four kids and a wife to feed and he was afraid. After talking with God about his fears and about his anger and his hurt he felt he heard God asking him a question. "Do you trust me?"

The man trusted God. He started to look at that hurt in a new light. He formed a new picture. When he pictured that day, the day he was let go, he pictured God standing there smiling. God knows what is best. So the man trusted God.

From then on, when that feeling started to bubble up, that man would look at the new picture he had formed with God's help, and he would smile. Joy filled him instead of hurt. His life turned around, and not only does he feed his wife and kids, but he is successful and helping others get past their hurts - their wounding.

So I'm going to try this because I do trust in God. I know God has a plan for my life and it does not include me losing any more time over pettiness. We are supposed to pray for those who hurt us. When I work I am supposed to let God's light shine.

Tomorrow I will go into work with a smile and I will let His light shine. This darkness that keeps trying to overtake me, well, I place that into God's hands. He has the strength.

That saying: Don't tell God how big the storm is: Tell the storm how big God is.

I can ask for forgiveness now and I can thank God for the friends he has sent my way. I have been blessed over and over and over again.

God is good.