To summarize - didn't do anything Friday night, went to Warsaw on Saturday and saw Michael and Mary’s new place and got to tour where Lindsay will be married, went to church on Sunday and then Wy and I went and had brunch at Cinzetti's.
Sounds tame enough until you get to all the filler in between. Layers and layers and layers of stuff that just made my heart ache and my mind go almost into shutdown mode. The dreams that I have after a weekend like this are non-stop and nonsensical.
In no order: Gina called. Dennis killed himself and she has lung cancer. She called Beth and now she is worried that she told Beth because Beth is dealing with Emily's death. So now I'm worried about Beth and Gina. Gina goes onto tell me about how Dennis was diagnosed with Diabetes and how the pain of neuralgia drove him mad. Thinking of Dennis forced me into thinking about the pain Lindsay lives with every day. Gina then asked about Michael and that reminded me about how far he has come and how I’m worried about them moving into Warsaw and into poverty and him going back into that place. So in between praying about healing Lindsay and Michael and how to talk with Gina about our God – which brings me full circle back to my own children not loving God . . . I’m pretty much back into shutdown mode. I need to go into my room and crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. AND, I haven’t even talked about everything. This is just basically part of Gina’s call.
Now I’m at work and I need to forget all of this and just get into my drawings and put my headphones on and quit thinking. After all, there is nothing I can do but pray. I’ve asked God for wisdom and discernment. There is so much going on in my mind and heart about everything to do with God and our place with Him.
Watching the movie God of Wonders reminded me of how insignificant we are. When they showed how small the earth is compared to the sun and how small our sun is compared to the next largest star and how small that star is compared to yet another star . . . the verse that comes to my mind is the one where God named each star. Also, my mind goes to the concert where Louie Giglio played a recording of how a star sounds. The star is singing to God.
That brings me back to my sisters and how I can’t talk with them about God. They don’t want to hear and that breaks my heart.
I just feel like I’m bleeding all over the place.
My love isn’t their love. My love isn’t anyone that I love, love.
Why is that? What happened to caring about what a person likes? At the very least, isn’t that just good manners?
My daughter won’t even go to church to procure a preacher for her wedding. That’s how little my children think of me and God.
My son takes pride in refusing to step inside a church.
Why all of this hate for something so good?
Then, I have Wyatt. We went to church at the 9:20 service which is the Journey band playing. Wy was so happy that he looks up at me and says that he can’t believe that we get to come into church for free. J
No comments:
Post a Comment