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Can you be a Christian and say Fuck?!? I don't fucking know but I do know that I am a Christian. I don't want to cause any other person to stumble but things get so frustrating in this life that sometimes a person just has to vent. I'm not a violent person so I can't hit someone, actually, anyone or anything. It frickin' hurts to hit. I just use the explosion of words - for some reason only cuss words will work. I wonder why that is?

Things have to change in my life though. Nothing really works now.

My love life is non existent. Sure, I have a male room mate (supposed to be boyfriend) but the sex isn't there. Add to this the fact that while I still think of sex I am not really sure I want it. Well, I wanted it the other day when I got this email with a picture of this really hot hot guy. My body still reacts when a good looking and good smelling man walks by. So I don't know if I am physically losing the desire or just mentally - probably both.

CONFLICTED. That's the word that describes me. Conflicted about just about everything.

Speaking of attraction. I am attracted to tall big men. That's what gets my juices flowing, my heart pounding. What caused this? Why aren't I attracted to short skinny men? Why aren't I attracted to blonde men? Blonde women? How can anyone argue that homosexuality is learned?

Okay, now that I've said that I have to say this. I'm tired of all the gay men. They've taken over. I am so tired of all the men being gay. I mean I get it. How perfect to be a gay man? Then you can get your dick sucked anytime and pretty cheaply. You don't have to woo a man like you do a woman. Look over while you are at the urinal. See a dick you like. Look up into his eyes and see if he is into you. Then go at it. That rarely ever happens between a man and a woman. Way less work to be a gay man these days. Plus, you can have gay sex anonymously and then still say you are straight.

I said that to show you how conflicted I am. I truly believe we don't choose who we are attracted to but at the same time I am pissed off at gay men. Okay, this might not be confliction (that can't be a real word) this might just be me being selfish and tired of all of the selfishness of others at the same time.

I won't even go into the way I used to believe I wasn't prejudiced but now realize I am very very tired of black people who feel they are owed something. Wait, I'm tired of white people who feel they are owed something too. I hate that attitude. So it isn't racism. It's me being tired of this welfare nation. (Anyone who knows my situation would know that this would have to include my own son marrying a woman who tries to work the government any way she can for more money. I am so mad and embarrassed by what they do. This isn't how I raised him. I much prefer working for my money than expecting someone else to give me money. I wish they had that same morality and desire.)

Back to me mentioning black people . . . I was talking about the way some blame everyone else because their ancestors were slaves. Slavery was many many years ago and we've all moved on since then. Anyone from my age up has grown up in the same schools and they've had the same chances I've had. I'm just tired of ignorance and hatred and the 'poor me' attitude.

Did you know that race and voting was addressed in 1870 while women weren't allowed to vote until 1920 - at least according to the Constitution of the United States of America. So, if I were to act like those people who are still playing the slave card - women have been treated badly since the time of cave men. We've been treated badly by all races and still are throughout the world.

We all need to quit whining and start working on fixing the inequalities that exist in our world. Those of us who are brave enough and wise enough need to get out there and fix the inequalities that exist in the world we can't see - but we all know exists.

One more thing, why are black people called African American? Am I European American because I'm white? Aren't we all just fricking American? I mean, my family has been here since before any of us know - just like most of the African Americans. Why do they get to identify with a country or have a hyphenated country? I want a hyphenated country too! Then again, I thought that was the whole idea of America. We are a country of immigrants. At least that is what I was taught in school. Sure, most black people were brought here under horrible circumstances but they've stayed even after they were freed. They've been born here for many generations. I am sure lots of white people were brought here under bad circumstances. Do they get to whine hundreds of years later too? Those Australians sure should start whining too. Weren't most of them born from prisoners forced to Australia for their crimes?!?

Which brings me back to me. What am I here for? Obviously it wasn't just to be friendly nice and funny. (Which I realize this blog isn't friendly nice or funny but I used to be friendly nice and funny - I'm giving it up though.) Like I said earlier, it hasn't gotten me anywhere and it certainly hasn't helped anyone that I know about. I have no talents, I have no money, I have no wisdom . . . I'm just a bundle of confused thoughts.

And no I'm not going to frickin kill myself. I'm sure that's what some idiot is thinking when they read this. It's just me ranting and venting and trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. Not just with me but with the rest of the world. It's all so fucking screwed up.

And yes, I hate the word FUCK!