The Letter

I finally mailed the letter I wrote about earlier. I made a few changes to the letter. Here is the one I mailed today:

Dear Mary,I am writing this in hopes that everything will be clear. I have high blood pressure. Because I have high blood pressure I have to take medicine every day to help keep the blood pressure in normal values so that I won’t have a stroke or aneurism and die. I also have to do a few other things to help keep the blood pressure down. I have an illness that requires medicine and other things to help keep me healthy and alive.

I understand that you have an illness a lot like mine. I don’t hold it against you because you have this illness any more than you would hold it against me for my illness. There are medications I have to take and things that I must do to regulate my blood pressure – just like there are medications you need to take and things that you must do to manage your illness. One is not worse than the other – but we both need help so that we can stay healthy. I want to help you with yours just like I know you would help me with mine.

Before everything went off the deep end - you told me that you wanted help. You said that you wanted your mother to watch Christian, and Michael to care for Wyatt, while you went and got help. You were so strong and so smart to see it – I didn’t see it and I thought you were just being melodramatic, but you knew. You knew and you asked for help.If you ever say that again, I promise that I will listen, and I will do all I can to help you and the rest of your family. You were doing the right thing and we weren’t listening.If you don’t get anything else out of this letter – please understand that I understand and I do want to help. I want to be there for you. By helping you, I will be helping Michael, and the boys, as well as you. You all are my family and that is what family is for – to help and watch out for each other.

Now comes the part of the story you won’t want to hear.I want this feud to end. It has to. We are all family members and we will all have disagreements, and while we all know each others faults, we just have to forgive and forget and move on. For no other reason than the boys need their extended family. It would probably be easy enough for you and Michael to forget about me, but the boys need grandparents. I know that I remember, with lots of love, my grandmother. She kept me sane when everything else was going crazy. The boys need that too, some safe place to go, just like you and Michael need time alone. Grandmothers are nice to have around. The boys love me, they enjoy being around me, and they need lots of people to show them how to laugh and love and learn. There is no one safer than a Grandma to do just that.

Mary, feel free to be mad at me. Feel free to be mad at the rest of the family, but don’t hurt the boys in your anger.

Actually, I would prefer you would learn to reign in your anger and try not to make yourself feel better by using bullying tactics – to make yourself feel in control. That’s not healthy control for them or for you. You are welcome to not speak to me – anytime you want to. But the boys have missed out on a lot this summer because of this feud you have with David. It still amazes me that all of this was over an argument that got out of control. If you were honest you would admit that you were just as at fault by losing your temper. From my view point – the ones that got hurt the most from this whole mess was the kids. If you disagree – well, fine. That happens a lot. People don’t end relationships over a disagreement. People disagree all the time. It’s normal. You just disagree, shrug your shoulders and move on. It isn’t the end of the world.

Another thing; Michael said that I shouldn’t tell him what to do with his wife. I agree. I shouldn’t. But the one thing parents will always do – is offer advice. It’s what we do.I can give advice (an opinion). You and Michael can choose to act on the advice – or not. You are adults. Personally, I would always listen. It’s respectful and kind to listen. Just remember that I am giving an opinion from my viewpoint. It’s what parents do – even to their thirty year old children. What should happen is that you listen and then you make your own decisions. Adults, wise adults, take in all kinds of information and then process it – decide what works for them and then they act. It’s what we all do every single day.

For some reason you, Mary, take every single action as serious as a heart attack. If someone does that slightest thing that offends you – you have to disown them. I remember, back when you were planning the wedding. Your mother would not bring stamps over the very minute you wanted her to. You were so mad at her. You said that she would not see her grandchildren ever again. You do that a lot – over every single thing. You really have to stop doing that. I mean, the only reason to have someone stop from seeing their grandchildren is if they might harm them. I don’t see your mother, me or Terry ever harming Christian or Wyatt. They are more precious than anything in this world to us.Please quit using Wyatt and Christian as bargaining chips. Allow them the freedom to love their grandparents and their grandparents to love them.

You always have the freedom to quit talking to me, but this thing you have about hurting the kids relationships with their family has got to stop, it really does.

One last thing: I do want to help you, if you’ll let me. I will go with you to the doctors and write down what they say for you. I know I have a hard time remembering all that they tell me. I can only imagine that you have the same problem with them that I do. When you are in your good state of mind, come up with a plan, so that when you are down, the rest of us know what to do. I will also help with the boys – anytime and any way that I can. If you feel you are going into that state of mind again – let me/us know how to help. I mean, even at work I tell the girls when I’m in a bad mood, or a sad mood – they know to back off for a bit. It’s normal – at least that’s what I tell myself.

I know you would do the same for me. I know you would.