Forgive

 

The anger and the unforgiveness in me frighten me. 

My first husband is a horrible man. I should probably start this off a different way than saying that right off the bat. 

We married right out of high school. He came from parents who never divorced. I came from parents who divorced and married often. He always had his family. I've had many families because I was sent to almost every other family in my parent's family because they were too busy living their own lives. 

I married Terry knowing that our marriage was forever. I knew we were on the same path. We both wanted to raise a family together and walk through this life together. I believed every word he told me and followed him wherever he wanted to move. If his hometown people knew, and his family knew, the things he told me about them, I'm pretty positive they would be shocked. But I believed every word out of his mouth. I felt this way up until the day I read a letter from one of the women he was having an affair with. 

I was shocked that he was seeing other women. I mean, I thought he was such a hard worker. I knew he was gone all hours of the night and for such long times. I worried about his health because he worked such long hours, and did everything I could to keep him going - and our family going. I felt alone but thought it was just part of being an adult. It takes a lot of work, time, and money to keep a family of four going. 

By the time I came across the letter from Michelle, berating Terry for what he was doing to me. I had been going to counseling. You see, my husband had me sure that I was going crazy. He would tell me things and then when the time came that I would question him about how it didn't really fit with what he had just told me - he would flip the script and it would be me misremembering what he said and did. He was telling his family and friends things about me - just like he did to me about them. So he alienated them from me. Except for a few of them. They tried to tell me what he was doing. I was just too obtuse to understand their hints. 

So I was going to counseling because I thought I was losing my mind and, even though I hadn't said it, my counselor saw how lonely I was. I hadn't stopped to notice how badly I was hurting. When I found the letter I called my counselor. She told me that she was sorry. She said that she could see it as plain as day what he was doing but she couldn't tell me. She hoped that I would take this knowledge and grow stronger and become who I really was. 

I decided that the best revenge was a well-lived life. That became my motto. I tried to get past all the hell that the kids and I were going through. I tried to raise them the best I could with no help from anyone. I didn't want to burden them. But to be honest with you, none of them offered to help. It's weird how people distance themselves from you. I honestly didn't think much about it at the time because I was so busy just trying to tread water. But now I see it. Now that I'm out of it and looking back. I try my best not to blame them. But then I get to see and hear how happy they are to see Terry when they are out and about. My mind just goes, why? What part of seeing him thrills you? Do you not know what he did to my children? What he did to me? What he is still doing?!? 

You see, the thing about divorce with children involved is that you will always have to have the other person in your life. It is hell. I dread holidays. More so since I found out that Terry has not changed. For a while, I could pretend all was well and just go to family gatherings and enjoy my family and be cordial to him and his latest wife. But then I found out he was doing the exact same thing to his latest wife. Making her feel crazy. Leaving her alone. Lying to her while enjoying his time with other women. I may have been in a bad place with two small children but at least I was young. She's on disability and her family isn't close to her. She feels she has nowhere to turn. My heart goes out to her so much. And now the pain is back for me. The hate, the anger. I haven't forgiven him obviously. I can't just can't, physically stomach thinking about him or being near him or his wife. She looks at me the same way I remember looking at other people after Terry told me about them and the crazy things they had done. It makes me sick, physically sick to relive that time in my life. 

Why does everything have to come back and feel exactly the same as it did when the trauma was happening? But now I have the added trauma of remembering how his family treated my kids and me. Of seeing how my own family, and friends, treated the kids and me. And how everyone still treats him as if he is a wonderful person. 

But today something good did happen. I heard about how my sister reacted when my other sister texted her about seeing Terry. She said why is seeing him a good thing. I don't recall what else she said but she let her know that she didn't like Terry or how he treated me. Here I am 62 years old, and I don't recall anyone ever standing up for me. I've seen them stand up for latest wife. My kids were outraged at their father for what he is doing to her right now. 

I remember my brother once apologizing for not telling me that he knew that Terry was screwing around. But no one has ever stopped and said that Terry is terrible for what he did to the kids and me. Now that I think about it several people did say that they were shocked he did all that he did. They didn't consider him to be that type of person. I remember one of Terry's friends saying that what Terry is doing was wrong and that he was sorry. I do remember that just now.

So, if there are any Christians reading this, please pray for him. No one needs to be this horrible of a person. He needs to stop treating people as he does. He needs to wake up to the damage he has done to his own family's lives - to his own life and soul. 

Please pray for me too. I don't like this feeling in my heart and stomach. I don't like the anger that comes boiling out of me when people talk about him to me. I need healing. 

Please also pray for the other women in Terry's life. I used to hate Michelle but now all I can feel towards her is gratitude. If it wasn't for her letter my life would have been completely different. I would have been different. Not many people get to see in black and white letters how someone else is giggling about making them go crazy. I had proof of his affair and proof of his gaslighting. Not everyone is so lucky. 

Most of all please pray for my children. I know they are torn between the natural love they feel for their father and their hurt and anger towards him. My children need healing. 

Thank you. 

Please forgive me for not being your standard of Christian. I've come to realize that I can't live up to even my own standard of who a Christian should be. 

If it wasn't for the blood of Christ covering me then I would be doomed. 

I am asking God to heal me and help me so that I can do as we are instructed in the Lord's Prayer: Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us. 

I know I have to forgive. I need so much help so that I can forgive. 

 

 

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