bent

What is it called when your heart is hurting because you are passed over time and time again? Why is it my heart and mind is stuck there when I should care less? I certainly should be used to it. I do wonder what it is I am doing that causes this. I just chuckled. It happens when I’m shopping too. I’ll be standing right in front of the clerk, next in line to check out, and she looks behind me and welcomes them – completely overlooking me. How does this happen?

How do I get my mind out of this?!?

I tried putting in my ear buds and listening to the radio but neither one will come in for some strange reason. I tried praying, I tried praying the Lord’s Prayer over and over. This helped for a little – this joy popped into my heart but then I forgot about the prayer while I was trying to figure out how to get this tiny piece inserted into this blueprint and then the melancholy creeps back in, melancholy and jealousy. David and Angie get promoted before me?!? They are both slow, slow moving, and takes tons and tons of breaks and they get promoted before me?!? Bitterness is added to the mix.

I really don’t like these feelings. I really want these feelings to stop. After all a promotion would mean more work and more thinking and aggravation. As for the California job, why would I want that? I would be alone in the world just for better weather and a new experience?!? How stupid is this? I really do want to grow where God has planted me. When the urge to write to Roger (my boss) and ask him about the job or attempt to put in my resume (when it hasn’t been requested) I tell myself to step back. After all that is what the tiny voice is saying. Let it go. Let it all go there is bigger and better things I have planned. This isn’t for you and if it is – let it happen.

Plus, why all this bitterness, etc., ? I love my church, my family and my friends. I love what I do. Why am I so bent out of shape and why can’t I get past this?!?

(Update: I can tell you that I did get past this - at least for now. I am leaving this post up though. This was just a momentary blip and if we stay in His word - we do have joy and hope. Especially if we take our eyes of this ground and aim our gaze where it should be - on Him, Christ.)