The thing is

It may seem like all I do is complain but the truth is I don't complain in real life. In real life I hate confrontation. I mean, Richard owes me money and I don't bring it up. He is supposed to pay for half of the living expenses and I hate bringing that up. The kind of person he is - he doesn't bring it up either. I hate when I have to remind him that the rent is due. I hate having to remind him that the utility bills are due. I paid for the sewer clean out and left the receipt on the kitchen table. He completely ignores it. I even purchased the flea drops for his cat and left that receipt out. He hasn't offered to pay for that. I'm mad at two people for that - me and him. Me for being such a wimp and him for being such a cheap bastard. I am the complete opposite of him. If I owe someone money I pay it immediately. I try to never owe someone money. It bothers me too much. I paid for all of the bills in June. I told him that he could pay the bills in July. Of course, they were never paid. He finally paid the electricity bill last month - but thats it. All of the others are due and he never ponies up.

Also, I have never been in a relationship like this. Moneywise, for example, my past relationships we would just merge our incomes. When we went to the grocery store we would pay for everything together. With Richard, he goes to a completely different line and pays for his stuff. If, horror of horrors, he arrives at the same line as me. He still makes sure he pays for his things. A couple of cashiers have even chuckled about how our stuff is separate.

I've never lived like this and never thought I would. Sleeping in separate beds and not helping each other out. Oh wait, I've helped him out many times. He hasn't helped me out at all. The thing about Richard is, he'll let you pay for his groceries but he'll never pay for yours. He'll let you pay for his dinners and he'll take you to the club, where dinner is free and consider that equal pay for the fifty dollar dinner you just purchased him. Get this, a perfect example: Harrahs will pay you cash for half of what your Total Rewards points are worth. Me, I think it is stupid to take that payment. I use those points for dinners, etc. Richard likes to get that money - even though he is losing half. So, I told him that I would pay him $50 and then we could get a gift certificate for $100 for my trip to Vegas. He doesn't want to do it. He won't do it. He has over $200 in points and he won't do it. Oh, he'll go to Harrahs and take their $50 for $100 in points but he won't let me have the same deal because he knows I'll be gaining $50. I think a normal boyfriend or even friend would go ahead and give the $100 - but not Richard. He is that cheap and thinks that little of me. But he's still here.

Why am I with him?

Here it was Saturday and he didn't do a thing with me. He said he was going to work so I went to Lindsay's house and she, David and I went to breakfast and did some garage sale shopping. Actually, mostly we just went for a drive. It was a beautiful day in Kansas City. Back to the Richard thing - He did end up working. He called and said that he would be home to watch the game. I said I would cook supper for us. He was nice on the phone. For some reason he is nice on the phone and an ass when he gets home. All he does is bitch, bitch, bitch and bitch.

I had supper in the oven, since I had gone ahead and eaten at 7, which was when he said he would be home. He walks right into the house and heads to the kitchen. He starts throwing things around and then he notices that I had emptied the empty, of pickles, pickle jars and washed them. "What did you do with the jars?" He says as he is turned away from me. (He can't hear unless he is looking at you.) I went ahead and answered knowing that he could only hear that I was replying. He wouldn't be able to hear what I was saying. He finally turns to me and I say it again. He doesn't say anything but starts his muttering. "Fuck" was among his mutterances so I finally asked what the problem was. He said he was going to use that for cucumbers. I explained that you can't reuse that. (Another reason I quit eating what he cooks. He re-uses things that he shouldn't.) He goes ahead and fixes his plate and eats without comment. He gets mad because I am watching something other than his game. He goes into his room. He's always in that frickin' room. Which brings me to my next comment.

Why am I with him? He's not a lover, he's not a snuggler, he's pennywise and dollar foolish, he's grouchy, he's negative, he's hateful, he's a horder, he's a liar . . . I could go on and on. I gave up on the lover part telling myself that at least he's someone to go and do things with. He used to travel. Now he doesn't travel. Well, I tell myself, he's someone to go and do things with locally. He doesn't want to do anything that doesn't include sports. Well, he's someone to come home to. Well, he is someone that comes home and goes to his room.

Settling is one thing. I think this is beyond settling.

Is he stopping me from being with my someone? Or, is he keeping me sane because there is no one out there for me? I do need a man. As much as I hate to admit that - it is nice having someone here.

Then again it is small comfort when all he does is bitch and I find myself mad at myself for being such a chump.